11/12/05
Bonjour mes amis et mes funky chats de maison (friends and funky house cats)…
Well, we received so many gooshy replies after sending our last travel log about the fuzzy furry Tail of the Irish Kitty, that we went back and reread it and… holy cow… we sounded totally gooshy and pathetic… darn those cute furry kitties for turning us into big whiney whiner babies who love to whine…
In any case, after such a sloppy tail, it’s now time to get back to our usual crime fighting adventures
We are currently sitting in an internet cafe in the Latin Quarter of Paris after bumming around France for 2 weeks, and holy cow… We absolutely LOVE France!!!
Initially, we were a bit worried that we wouldn’t be impressed with Paris at all, since all the tourist sights in Paris are so over familiar, but Paris is such a funky place, that we now have to say that if France is totally the ANTS PANTS, then Paris is DEFINITELY the BEES KNEES!!!!
We were lucky that we managed to do all the usual touristy things in the first few days like getting an eyeful at the Eiffel Tower, Moaning at Lisa in the Louvre, combing a cat in the catacombs and hunching our backs at Notre Dame… So that gave us plenty of time to just wander the streets and window shop…
We were so totally impressed with the shopping here, as Parisians seem to love all the geeky things that we love like rollerblading, asian cinema, comics and animation, vibrant art, cutesy toys and design, cats, funky lounge music and CHOCOLATE!!! In fact they take all the geeky stuff and actually make it look stylish and sophisticated.
And also whilst window shopping, I discovered that Avril’s G spot must definitely be in her feet since she literally turned into quivering mess after walking past the huge number of shoe shops all over the place…
And of course we loved just people-watching all the spunky French boys and girls, but I guess that it’s no surprise that the French are all spunks since France is the birthplace of my childhood fantasy girl… Smurfette… ooooh la la that short white miniskirt and long blue legs… oops… did I just type that out aloud…
Anyhows, we had braced ourselves to experience the stereotypical French rude-arsedness, so we were also totally impressed that most of the French people that we met were actually really nice to us, especially since the only French words we knew were “Je suis un rock star”, “Je voudrais un menage a trios”, and various Miss Piggy French sayings… phew… thank the lord for Jim Henson… he always pulls us through…
In fact there were only two real downsides to our whole trip. The first downside was that although Paris is the city of love, I found it hard to be romantic when my noodle was canoodled since it was so bloody COLD… And the second downside was that I almost got into my very first STREETFIGHT… and it didn’t even involve an atomic wedgie…!!!!
Last week, we were at the Basilica de Sacre Coeur Cathedral in Montmarte which is this huge Church on a hill overlooking Paris, which was made famous in that French movie Amelie… which by the way, is a great movie if you haven’t seen it …so cute, so chic and so French…
Anyway, down the bottom of the stairs to the Cathedral are a heap of immigrants from Africa and the middle east who normally hang out there trying to make money by tying good luck strings onto tourists… arms and then demanding money for them.
Well, Avril was walking up separately to me when all of a sudden one of the guys who we later found out was from Pakistan and who was dressed like a bit of a homeboy American gangster, approached her and tried to grab her arm aggressively to tie the string.
Anyhow, he had already been aggressive calling her a crazy lady when she first refused another guy, so when she pulled away, he actually swung a PUNCH at her which hit her in the arm and then he told her that he would rape her if she ever came back!!!
Now… you guys who know me, know that normally I am a pacifist who would try and be diplomatic in most situations, but this guy SERIOUSLY crossed the line in so many ways, that I just lost it and decided that it was my superhero duty to BUST this fuckarsed wanker neanderthal a fucking new sphincter…
I think I must have totally swallowed a Roger Ramjet proton pill that gave me the strength of twenty men for a period of twenty seconds, because next thing I know, the two of us ended up yelling at each other, chest to chest with me sticking my face into his and telling him to hit me first so that I would have an excuse, since I was about to SERIOUSLY hurt him!!!
In any case, we ended up getting surrounded by about 10 African and middle eastern dudes all trying to calm us down as we were both full of testosterone and yelling at each other…
“I’m going to FUCK you up motherfucker!!!!”
“…NO… I’m going to fuck YOU up motherfucker…!!!”
…I think they must have thought that we both had very fucked up mothers…
In retrospect, it was a pretty silly thing to do, since for all I know, he could have pulled a knife, but at the time I was totally full of proton pill and definitely felt tougher than a tonka toy… and the gutless piece of shit eventually backed off…
Anyways, this guy was such a nasty piece of work… He really was just a nosehair of society that needed to be plucked… or a poo that needed to be flushed… and we could just imagine he would be the type of guy who would actually rape someone, or go home and beat up his wife, so we just couldn’t let it go… So we took his picture and eventually found some police to dob him in…
Unfortunately, when we went back later, we found that he had taken the bolt and unfortunately the police ended up arresting 3 of the other nice African dudes for other things, so we felt a bit bad about that…
Anyways, although it actually took us some days to settle down and see the funny side, we really didn’t let it affect how much we enjoyed France and just like Billy Ocean said… We got out of my dreams and into my car, and we have just spent the last week cruising around eastern France near the Swiss and German border.
It’s been great because we got to experience driving in scary Paris traffic and we also got to the huge Christmas festivals and markets in Nancy, Strasbourg and Dijon… And we also got to see the famous festival of sound and lights in Lyon which attracts 3 million people to the town every year and was absolutely amazing.
And of course we drove down to Grenoble in the Alps and squealed like little school girls with the first snow of the season.
But now, we are off back to Ireland tomorrow and at this stage I am due to work night shifts right through the X-mas and New Years break which will suck, but the money is good. I’ll be based in Dundalk if anyone is near the area and wants to catch up.
Otherwise, stay good and I’ll see if I can whip up another late X-mas cartoon…
Au revoir, and lots of smurfette love and proton pills to everyone
Pepi Le Chu
La Femme Avril-ita
PS. Our photo link on our website is currently busted, but if you want to check out our Pics of France then just click and it’ll take you to our Flickr Photo account instead until we can get our site sorted. If you are bored the photos include that snivelling piece of snott homeboy too. Most of them are night shots as the weather was so crappy and bleak in the daytime that the day shots are all just grey.
PPS. Thanks to Dom for the Paris tips and public toilet hints.
PPPS. Now although we are not big sports fans, we’ve decided to try and get tickets to the Australian matches in the World Cup in Germany next year with Kendall an Aussie girl we met in Bolivia… just in case anyone else is going and wants to catch up.
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