29/4/06
Hey There and Bon Giorno to all you Sicilian Maffioso and Funky Giraffe-ioso
Well, we are currently on the Eurostar train flying at 280km/hr from Naples to Rome and we’re actually really happy to be leaving southern Italy since the last 2 weeks here have STRESSED us out to the MAX!!!
About two weeks ago, we met up with our mate John Greco who is of Sicilian descent and headed out to Palermo on the island of Sicily in south Italy for some sun, fun and to check out Italian buns… but instead all we got was 2 weeks worth of stress… stress… and more STRESS!!! …as one thing after another went wrong!!!
Now firstly, we should have really enjoyed Sicily as it really is a beautiful island with rugged volcanic mountains scattered with ancient cities like Erice, Taormina, Agrigento and Cefalu which are built precariously on cliffs and hilltops…
…Not to mention that we were also looking forward to all the alluring Mediterranean beaches and resorts, and of course Mt Etna which is the most active volcano in Europe…
However, although we consider ourselves experienced travellers, we COMPLETELY misjudged the sheer number of tourists who hit Italy this time of year which REALLY SUCKED since this isn’t even the peak season yet…
The first thing that went wrong is that we couldn’t get a rental car because they had all been rented… but it actually took us the entire day to work this out since the whole city of Palermo shuts down between 12pm and 4pm for lunch, which really FREAKED us out because there was literally no-one on the streets and we’ve seen enough movies to know that can only mean one thing… ZOMBIES!!!
So anyways, after many fruitless phone calls and discussions about how to outrun ZOMBIES, we managed to finally organise car hire for the next day… But THEN we found out that all the accommodation was booked out too, so our mate Greco had to beg a lady in his crappy Italian to let us sleep on her floor which was actually really difficult since stoopid Sicilians don’t speak much English compared to northern Italians.
Anyhows, we got the car, and although having a car in Italy does give you a lot of flexibility for travel, the rental company gave us a big van instead of a small car and in the end, that was the thing that STRESSED us out the most!!!
Now, I did all the driving in Italy, and I really didn’t think the driving or traffic was all that bad at all compared to Paris or Ireland or South East Asia… But finding car parking was a nightmare, and we had a lot of close calls of almost crashing the car, but it was mainly due to getting stuck in narrow streets and car parks or perving at girls and not actually due to other drivers…
But the WORST thing EVER happened on the second night we had the car.
The van which was brand new, had been driving and sounding awful with a lot of jerking and rattling in the engine, and we were about to return it to the company when all of a sudden I realised that I had accidentally put unleaded petrol into it when it was actually a DIESEL engine…
Now, initially we didn’t think much of it, but we then went to an internet cafe and googled what to do, and the main site that came up read as follow…
“Petrol is death to a diesel engine, especially the fuel pump (it disintegrates the pump case hardening into swarf), and nowadays the action of electronically unlocking the doors means that the diesel enters the engine. This speeds starting up but also makes ruining the engine much more likely, as you might have remembered before putting the key into the ignition.”
The site goes on to explain that apparently diesel is a lubricant and petrol is a solvent, so petrol starts “melting” the engine parts immediately which I guess eventually means DEATH!!!!!!
…HOLY CRAP-A-ROONIE!!!!!! MAN… We realised that we totally MURDERED a poor defenseless engine so we totally SHAT ourselves senseless, and then raced back to our hotel to check out our both our car and travel insurance policies…
Now there was no mention of what to do in such a situation, but in both policies the words “WE DO NOT COVER GROSS NEGLIGENCE” just seem to jump right out of the page and hit us in the face!!!!
Now, stress is a funny thing and as general rule of thumb, when I first start a trip, I normally get a good few days of constipation due to not drinking enough water and the stress of travelling…
However, I can safely say that after reading that article on the internet and then the insurance policy, I literally SHAT myself!!!!
MAN… we totally worked out that a new engine would likely cost about 10,000 Euros and we would have to assume that the insurance wouldn’t cover us, so basically we were SCREWED!!!!!!!!
In anycase, after a lengthy session on the toilet… (I am NOT kidding you by the way… I didn’t just have stressed induced ‘IRRITABLE Bowel Symptoms’ or ‘CRANKY Bowel Symptoms’… I had ‘GRANDMASTER FLASH AND THE FURIOUS FIVE Bowel Symptoms’ which completely emptied me out…)
…um…where was I… Oh yeah, we then decided that we needed a plan…
Now dudes and dudettes… it was COMPLETELY FUNNY in retrospect but not at the time! Since we are completely LAME when it comes to evil dastardly plans we basically planned on everything from confessing, to actually crashing the car deliberately as then we would only be charged the excess of 300 euros…
We also decided we could siphon all the petrol out but after a 100 euro phone call to my genius car expert brother Marcus, we also realised that newer cars have anti-siphon mechanisms that trap siphon hoses in the petrol hole which would be a bit hard to explain. So eventually we decided we have no option but to drive the car 600km to burn out all the petrol and see how the engine sounded then…
FUCK!!!
But holy crapparoonie… it worked! Once the petrol had all been used and we filled up with diesel, the engine sounded fine and we happily gave the car back and then took the bolt… Man we are smooth criminals!!!
Anyways, you’d think things would pick up for us, but our shitty time continued as we eventually ended up on the Amalfi Coast just south of Naples.
Again it should have been amazing as it is one of the most spectacular coastal drives in the world with fantastic villages perched on cliffs right on the water’s edge and the amazing backdrop of Mt Vesuvius in the background…
…AND we had planned on staying at a campsite right on a cliff edge which should have been very COOL…
But it TOTALLY PISSED rain on us the whole time and it was completely miserable and muddy in the campsite… And even bumming around Pompeii and Naples sucked in the rain… especially when Naples is one of the grottiest cities we had been too…
Man there’s dog shit everywhere on the streets and even the hobos will just take a dump on the sidewalk!!!
In anycase, we then got another rental car to do the Amalfi Coast drive but man… I am a fucking LAMEARSE!!!
I ended up scratching up the side of the car on a high gutter which really sucked…
But because by then we were seasoned criminals… AND fortunately since it was raining, we were able to cover the scratches up with mud…
Man we thought we were totally awesome at deception and those dumbarsed Italians missed the damage, BUT just as we were rushing out the door trying to make our big escape after they tore up my credit card voucher… their bigarsed dog in the store actually grabbed my leg and pulled me back in the store and then started HUMPING my leg!!!!!
HOLY CRAP… stoopid hoorny dog… normally I don’t mind a good leg humping… but not when I am trying to make a getaway… That darned dog must have smelt my evil ways and almost got me busted!!! Doggone IT!!!
In anycase, lots of other little things went wrong also which just added to our stress… but we are now leaving Southern Italy behind and should be in Rome soon so hopefully things will pick up…
Anyways, here is the link to our Sicily and South Italy photos if you are bored. Gotta go as we are pulling into Rome so keep in touch…
Lots of love and petrol fumes
Cranky Bowel Ced
Diesel Slapper Avril
PS. Up until now, I have had the upper hand in our relationship since whenever I wanted to give Avril shit, I could just say… “well at least I didn’t lose my passport just before we were going to India” …however, now she is simply unfazed and replies “Yeah, well at least I didn’t put DIESEL into a petrol engine…”
Balance has been restored and my krypton powers have now faded… darn…
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